Recovery

It's over.

The D&C went perfectly yesterday. I remember being wheeled into the operating room and I remember them starting to lift me onto the table, but I don't remember ever getting there. And then I woke up in recovery.

I'm feeling very lucky. I had several friends who told me they were in extreme pain for several days following their procedures. I haven't really had any pain at all. Just little twinges here and there. And almost no bleeding at all. The nurse taking care of me in recovery was absolutely amazed by how well I was doing by the time I left. Obviously, I'm still going to take it easy for a few days, and I'm still feeling tired, but I think by Monday I should be feeling pretty normal.

My 3-month belly is about half the size now, which is a fresh reminder that there's no longer a little body in there. That's hard. My morning sickness is starting to go away. I took a Zofran last night, but I haven't needed one yet today. That's not hard. That's a relief. At least the 3 months of hyperemesis (extreme morning sickness) are behind me. One positive thing.

Last night after we got ready for bed, I again begged Ben to go get E and put her in bed with me for just a little bit. I was feeling very empty. The three of us snuggled up, E still asleep. This is what, in normal circumstances, E would call "Family Snuggle." But it didn't feel like a family snuggle to me at all. We were missing someone. Before, when I was pregnant, I felt like all four of us would snuggle, even though one was in my tummy. And now, not even that body is there anymore. And now that I don't even have that piece, I'm terrified of forgetting. I'm terrified this will all start to seem like a dream. I'm terrified he won't feel real anymore.

"When I was pregnant." I don't like that. Now I'm really really not anymore.

There will be better days, right? There will be.