I think I'm feeling...healed.
I've been afraid this day will come and that I would forget and that it would be awful and I would feel like a terrible mother.
But healing does not equate with forgetting. Healing is beautiful remembrance. Healing is moving forward to the future while still cherishing the past. Healing is gratitude for what has happened, and acceptance of life as it is.
One thing I've realized is that you can have a wound that has completely healed but that still leaves a scar, a reminder of what was so deep, so painful, and so poignant. A physically healed wound changes the landscape of your body, just like an emotionally healed wound changes the essence of your soul. It leaves you a forever different person.
So while I have a scar, a reminder of my wonderful little boy, I am whole again.
I'll still keep that ultrasound picture in a frame next to my bed. I'll still long for him on his due date. I'll still cry on anniversaries of his death. I'll always think about how old he would be and what it might be like if he were here.
But I had a very poignant revelation today.
Instead of mourning that we only had three months with him, I found myself rejoicing that I got to have him for three whole months.
And someday, I believe I'll get to see him again.
