Happy Birthday

It's August 8th.

William would have been one-year-old today. Time has gone so fast. It seems like just a month ago we were getting through my due date. And now it's been a whole year.

It's been an emotional day. I went and bought a toy for a one-year-old and donated it to a foster kids toy drive. When I went to drop it off I started bawling uncontrollably. The poor guy who took it. He was very sweet and very gracious though. Then I got in the car and cried my eyes out, the whole time praying and thanking God for the experience we've had and the short little while William was with us. It's been a day of reflection.

Tonight we celebrated. We sang "Happy Birthday" and blew out a candle and ate cake and everything. We celebrated that he is part of our family and always will be.

I had a doctor's appointment today too. Little girl is growing perfectly and is healthy and active. Ten more weeks. I can't wait.

But for today, I remember you, my little boy that I never met but knew so well. I love you and think about you always. Miss you.

Happy birthday, little one. Happy birthday.

Finally

*trigger pregnancy mentioned*

Well, I've spent a quarter of a year without a computer, which is why I haven't posted in so long. That and I've been sick. Very sick.

Yes, I'm pregnant. 17 weeks.

Wow.

Just that word carries so much weight for me, especially as I write it in the context of this blog. Somehow that word amidst all the sorrow and joy and anguish and healing of this blog is...out of place? Or maybe right in place. Just...poignant.

How have I been feeling? Physically, terrible, but I'm thrilled about that. Emotionally, it's been up and down. Sometimes I have moments of complete surety and peace, knowing that this child is growing, feeling him or her move, knowing that everything is okay.

But then I have moments of great terror, of being sure that I will go through the pain of loss again, not believing that this child will ever be in my arms or in my home. Part of me just can't accept it and probably won't until this child is swaddled and clean, lying, breathing on my chest.

That being said, I love him or her so immensely already. I can't wait.

Keep growing, little one. Keep growing.