Finally

*trigger pregnancy mentioned*

Well, I've spent a quarter of a year without a computer, which is why I haven't posted in so long. That and I've been sick. Very sick.

Yes, I'm pregnant. 17 weeks.

Wow.

Just that word carries so much weight for me, especially as I write it in the context of this blog. Somehow that word amidst all the sorrow and joy and anguish and healing of this blog is...out of place? Or maybe right in place. Just...poignant.

How have I been feeling? Physically, terrible, but I'm thrilled about that. Emotionally, it's been up and down. Sometimes I have moments of complete surety and peace, knowing that this child is growing, feeling him or her move, knowing that everything is okay.

But then I have moments of great terror, of being sure that I will go through the pain of loss again, not believing that this child will ever be in my arms or in my home. Part of me just can't accept it and probably won't until this child is swaddled and clean, lying, breathing on my chest.

That being said, I love him or her so immensely already. I can't wait.

Keep growing, little one. Keep growing.