Sunday, August 22, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Due Date
It's August 8th.
And it's almost over, and I've made it. I've been okay so far.
I had a wonderful weekend with my mom and my sister just having fun and not thinking about things. Just kind of ignoring the fact that this should have been an excruciatingly painful weekend. And it worked. Mostly.
Friday night, after they had both gone to sleep, I broke down and sobbed for a good five minutes. I thought about where I should be, what I should be doing. I begged God for some comfort and some understanding. And it came. And I stopped crying and went to sleep. I was okay.
Saturday we walked past a Grandma sitting on a bench holding a tiny newborn. This little thing couldn't have been more than 2 weeks old. And I just couldn't pull my eyes off her. I just wanted to stand there and stare, to reach out and say, "let me hold her for you for a few minutes." As I turned around and walked away, I broke down, grateful for dark sunglasses to hide my tears. But I was okay.
Then today, I was just fine until we got home and I walked in my house and went upstairs, and then it became so real. I escaped it for a few days by distracting myself, but here, in my home, where the emotions have been so raw and so real, there are reminders everywhere. The nursery that should be covered in little boy bedding and the closet that still has 3T girl clothes instead of little blue onesies. The bathroom where I bawled my eyes out every night for weeks. The couch where I spent months throwing up only to find the little one who I loved so much and had suffered for was gone. Layers of different emotions came back and I broke down again. But it was short. And I was okay.
The night is still young. I'm sure there will be a few tears yet before I go to sleep, and maybe even more later this week when I realize that we're not bringing a little baby home to our house like I was expecting. But I'll be okay.
Last Christmas, when I was about 8 weeks pregnant, my mom gave me two gifts that I will always cherish. She gave me some adorable little baby girl shoes that I had seen in a store some months back and fallen in love with. She also gave me the softest, cuddliest, brown newborn boy's jacket. I love that jacket. Every time I miss William, I just pull it out and hold it and hug it, and it's like my little Liam is snuggling up next to me, his baby soft skin kissing my cheek. Tonight, I will hold that next to me as I fall asleep and dream of my strong, handsome son in Heaven.
Last Monday, my cousin's wife had a baby boy. I was due the day after her, and it's been hard watching her belly grow and seeing her excitement as they welcome this little boy into the world just when our son was supposed to be coming to us. But, Monday, he was born. We're not super close, and they didn't know much about our grief except that we lost our baby. They hadn't read this blog and didn't know anything about us naming our little boy. Yet, when he was born, they gave him a name that brings me so much comfort and peace, just by coincidence.
They named him Liam.
And it's almost over, and I've made it. I've been okay so far.
I had a wonderful weekend with my mom and my sister just having fun and not thinking about things. Just kind of ignoring the fact that this should have been an excruciatingly painful weekend. And it worked. Mostly.
Friday night, after they had both gone to sleep, I broke down and sobbed for a good five minutes. I thought about where I should be, what I should be doing. I begged God for some comfort and some understanding. And it came. And I stopped crying and went to sleep. I was okay.
Saturday we walked past a Grandma sitting on a bench holding a tiny newborn. This little thing couldn't have been more than 2 weeks old. And I just couldn't pull my eyes off her. I just wanted to stand there and stare, to reach out and say, "let me hold her for you for a few minutes." As I turned around and walked away, I broke down, grateful for dark sunglasses to hide my tears. But I was okay.
Then today, I was just fine until we got home and I walked in my house and went upstairs, and then it became so real. I escaped it for a few days by distracting myself, but here, in my home, where the emotions have been so raw and so real, there are reminders everywhere. The nursery that should be covered in little boy bedding and the closet that still has 3T girl clothes instead of little blue onesies. The bathroom where I bawled my eyes out every night for weeks. The couch where I spent months throwing up only to find the little one who I loved so much and had suffered for was gone. Layers of different emotions came back and I broke down again. But it was short. And I was okay.
The night is still young. I'm sure there will be a few tears yet before I go to sleep, and maybe even more later this week when I realize that we're not bringing a little baby home to our house like I was expecting. But I'll be okay.
Last Christmas, when I was about 8 weeks pregnant, my mom gave me two gifts that I will always cherish. She gave me some adorable little baby girl shoes that I had seen in a store some months back and fallen in love with. She also gave me the softest, cuddliest, brown newborn boy's jacket. I love that jacket. Every time I miss William, I just pull it out and hold it and hug it, and it's like my little Liam is snuggling up next to me, his baby soft skin kissing my cheek. Tonight, I will hold that next to me as I fall asleep and dream of my strong, handsome son in Heaven.
Last Monday, my cousin's wife had a baby boy. I was due the day after her, and it's been hard watching her belly grow and seeing her excitement as they welcome this little boy into the world just when our son was supposed to be coming to us. But, Monday, he was born. We're not super close, and they didn't know much about our grief except that we lost our baby. They hadn't read this blog and didn't know anything about us naming our little boy. Yet, when he was born, they gave him a name that brings me so much comfort and peace, just by coincidence.
They named him Liam.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Away
I've started so many posts the past few weeks that I just haven't felt like finishing.
Just wanted to post quickly. My due date is two days away. The 8th. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm actually doing okay. Mostly due to a really good book and a really good 8-hour movie that I've absorbed myself in this week.
My mom and sister are here, and we're about to leave for a really fun girls' weekend. I think I'll be okay.
More to come.
Just wanted to post quickly. My due date is two days away. The 8th. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm actually doing okay. Mostly due to a really good book and a really good 8-hour movie that I've absorbed myself in this week.
My mom and sister are here, and we're about to leave for a really fun girls' weekend. I think I'll be okay.
More to come.
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