A Great Sadness

I'm not really sure what to write now. Now it's just kind of sadness. That's all I'm feeling. A great emptiness, heaviness. And it's just not going away. I'm not really crying that much (only once or twice a day, and it's very calm), but I just feel...sad.

I've really felt like being alone the past few days too. What stage of mourning is this? I think I'm somewhere between the depression and acceptance stages. But I'm scared of getting to acceptance, because that's the end of the stages. There's not another one.

I spent pretty much all day by myself yesterday. Ben stayed home and watched E so I could have some time to be alone. I drowned my woes in shopping. Not very healthy I suppose, but that's what I felt like doing. And it just depressed me more. I was trying to find clothes that don't make it look like I could still be pregnant, but everything out there is high-waisted and looks like maternity clothes. So I came home with nothing. Lots of clothes for E, but nothing for me.

But it was nice to have some time alone to just feel sad and be able to focus on grieving and not have to worry about taking care of anyone else.

Today at church we had a baby blessing. It was the little baby girl of my good friend. About three words into it I started sobbing and had to go out in the lobby. My friend who has helped me through this (she also had a miscarriage) happened to be out there, and she just hugged me and we cried for a long time. That bond between women who have been through this is so real. It's a terrible and wonderful sisterhood to be a part of.