More Comfort

Today was my appointment.

Ben and I went in promptly at 8:00am. I was fasting, just in case they could get me in for the D&C today.

Dr. Newman met us in the ultrasound room and pulled up the picture of that little lifeless body. Still no heartbeat. It was the first time that Ben had seen him. I wish he could have seen him alive too. Someday I think he will.

Another doctor came in and had a look, just to double check, and still nothing. Then he said something like, "Did you notice on the neck?"

"Yes, I did see that today."

We were in suspense for a few moments, until she explained what they were seeing in the ultrasound.

Apparently, our baby had a growth on the back of his neck. In normal circumstances, the spinal fluid drains somewhere into your body or something (obviously I'm not an anatomy expert), but sometimes, there's a defect and the baby develops this growth instead and the spinal fluid drans into that. If that occurs, the baby never survives the pregnancy. It's a one-time occurrence thing too, nothing genetic that could turn up in future pregnancies unless just by chance.

What a comfort. It's so nice to know what happened, and to know that it's for sure nothing we did or nothing we could have done differently, that's just what happened. And it's not something we have to worry about in the future. Just for some reason, this child was not meant to survive. And that actually makes dealing with things a little bit easier, to know the why, to not have to wonder. And I'm just grateful that I got to see that little baby twice while he was alive and see that heartbeating and know he's ours. Now he's just waiting for us in heaven.

So my D&C is first thing tomorrow morning. I started spotting tonight. I think it's perfect timing. Now I know this is for real, and I can't put this off any longer. I couldn't go through the emotional and physical pain of miscarrying on my own.