Sunday

Today has had many ups and downs.

I was brave and went to church today. We got there late and ran out as soon as it was over so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. But I almost left about 3 times during the meeting. Everyone was just too happy for me today. Nothing wrong with that, but I think I'm in the anger stage of grieving right now. I just don't want to be around happy people with seemingly happy lives and families and kids and families with kids close together. Our kids will probably be about 4 years apart now instead of the 2 1/2 to 3 we were hoping for, so seeing siblings close in age just hurts. And there are lots of them at church.

After church I came home and cried, then took a nap, then got up and cried. Then we went to my parents' house to celebrate my cousin's birthday and to see her 2-month-old baby boy for the first time. Ugh.

But I was surprised. Seeing that peaceful little face actually helped more than it hurt. Holding him in my arms just felt so good. I'm aching to babysit, to have a baby around, even if it's not my own.

I had maybe my lowest moment tonight after we got home and put E to bed. Again, while I was brushing my teeth, I broke down.

I'm dreading Tuesday when I go in for my D&C. I just want to hold on to this little piece of my baby for as long as possible. And now I'm just grieving the loss of the physical part of this little person. There is no funeral. There is no memorial. There is no gravestone. There's nowhere to go and remember. I go into the hospital, they put me under, and they suck my baby's body out of me and that's it. There's nothing beautiful or peaceful about it. I never see him. I never hold him. I just wake up and he's gone.

It was scary hearing myself cry tonight. I could barely breath. It was almost an out of body experience, listening to myself and thinking, that sounds like someone who is truly in extreme pain. I had no idea I could physically cry like that. I could barely get any air.

It was a long time, but it finally died down, and I lay on my bed, silently, Ben holding my hand. And then, I felt this incredible peace. It was a wave of warmth and comfort just washing over me. And I knew everything was okay. And that even though things would be hard, everything would keep being okay.