The First Day of Grief

I sobbed in the car all the way to my mom's house to pick up 2-year-old E. I couldn't wait to hold her in my arms, to have my child to touch.

They were sitting on the couch when I walked in.

"There's no heartbeat."

I could barely get it out before collapsing onto the couch.

I don't remember what was said. I calmed down, and we talked some more, and then we both started crying again. And sweet E, wonderful little girl, came running in from the other room where she was watching us, and looked up at us with those innocent little barely 2-year-old eyes and said,

"What's wrong guys?"

We both started laughing. Then she turned to me and said,

"Sorry, Mommy." And to my mom, "Sorry, Grandma." And she put her head down and pretended to cry too, for a good 30 seconds. Just the compassion of a 2-year-old was incredible. I'm so grateful for her.

My mom was wonderful enough to drop everything she was doing that day and come to our house. I didn't want to be alone.

After lunch I got on the phone and called to cancel my first-trimester ultrasound sceening. That was one of my favorite things when I was pregnant with E. It was supposed to be the next day. The nurse got my information, and I told her I needed to cancel my appointment for the next day. And then came the dreaded question.

"What's the reason for the cancellation?"

"The baby no longer has a heartbeat."

Silence.

"I'm really sorry. Thank you for calling."

Why do they have to ask questions like that? The other one I'm dreading is "What's the reason for the return?" when I go return the maternity clothes and few baby items I've bought. Those are terrible questions.

Mom stayed for hours and watched mind-numbing TV. Then she went home. And I started telling people.

I sent out an email to close friends. And then I did something that seemed so unfeeling, but the most efficient way to get the word out since we had told everyone already. I logged on to my Facebook account and posted simply,

"Sad news. No heartbeat today."

And then I cried some more.