Today is tough, because I really think it was last Saturday that William passed away. I don't know why. I just felt a little different that day. I felt really good nausea-wise, and I just felt...different. Empty. Like there wasn't a living person inside me. I only see that looking back. I figured I was feeling a little different because I was finally feeling good and feeling semi-normal. But really, I think that's what happened.
Today I went to Lowe's to get paint samples for E's big girl room. I was doing okay until a couple came over to the paint chips. She was about 7 months pregnant. They were picking out paint for their nursery. I wanted to yell at them and tell them what I was going through. Of course, I kept running into them in the store. They even ended up right behind me at the check out. Somehow I held it together until I got home. I picked up some beautiful yellow tulips too. A friend told me that she had planted some bulbs right after her miscarriage, and that was her way of remembering her children every spring when they started to bloom. I liked that idea.
We were up until 3am last night again. I hate going to bed. I put it off until my eyes hurt from watching too much mind-distracting TV, and then it has to be done. It's always when I'm brushing my teeth that I break down. I think it's just because I have nothing else to think about while I'm getting ready for bed. And there's something about seeing myself in the mirror that makes everything more real. It's like when I see myself I'm reminded that this is all happening to me and that I'm looking at a woman with a 3-month pregnancy belly who is supposed to be pregnant but who is carrying a dead baby. And then I break down into great sobbing fits with my mouth full of toothpaste and Ben runs upstairs and we talk and cry until 3 am. And then I beg him to go get E and put her in bed with me. And he does, and I hug her until I fall asleep and Ben puts her back in her crib. And then he wakes up at 6 and goes to work. And the next day it starts all over again.
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