New

I feel like a completely different person.

I don't know if I can pinpoint exactly what it is, but I'm going to try.

I think I just view life completely differently now. Things seem a little more fragile, a little more real, a little more temporary, but also a little more eternal. I just think of things in different ways. I notice more. I listen more.

But you know, I think I might be happier. Maybe not happier, but more carefree. I find myself not caring about what everyone else thinks. Today in Target, I ran up and down the isles and rode on my shopping cart just because it makes E laugh. And making her laugh is what I live for now. I could care less that other people are staring at me and probably thinking I must be her babysitter because I'm too immature to be her mom. But I love it. And I just talk to her all the time too. We have silly little conversations in the store and and sing at the top of our lungs and just have...fun. I don't feel that need to have adult conversation anymore, aside from with Ben, of course. I'm just, well, content. I think my priorities are finally right.

I realized today that it's been over a month since we lost William. I can't believe it's been that long. He is still so real, everything still feels so fresh. But I think I've grown up in the past few weeks, faster than I ever have before. And while it was the most terrible, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching growing up I've ever experienced, I think it will make me better.

I guess that would mean being William's mom makes me better.