Trying

So now I'm starting to get the questions about when we're going to try again. It really doesn't bother me, which is somewhat of a surprise. I thought for sure that would surface all these emotions again and I would feel that anger rise up inside and be angry.

But I'm not.

For the most part, people are very respectful and are asking just because they would love to see me comforted with another pregnancy. But that's not what I want. Really, that's not what would bring me comfort. I know a lot of women can't wait for their first period so they can start trying again, but I guess I'm not in that group.

I'm in a completely different group, or maybe it's not even a group at all. Maybe I'm alone in my thinking. I just can't bring myself to start thinking about another baby yet, and I think it will be some time before I can. I've analyzed that perspective, and I think there are several reasons why I, personally, am feeling this.

1) There's the obvious physical reason. I get terribly sick. Horribly sick. Emergency Room sick. And I don't want to do that again any time soon.

2) Maybe it's selfish, but I'm kind of enjoying my time with E and with Ben and with...myself again.

3) I feel like trying this soon takes away from honoring the little one that we lost. I want there to be a spot in our family for him, more than just one extra month than we thought would be between E and our next child. I feel like there needs to be a space big enough for me to remember, "there's another child in between these two."

4) I want to be emotionally healed enough that if, God forbid, something like this happened again, it wouldn't totally destroy me.

5) I think the biggest reason is that I want to make sure I'm ready for the sake of our next baby. I want to make sure that I want THAT child, and it's not just that I want to be pregnant or I want to have a baby this year. I want to be able to focus on that specific little one that will come to us and not always be thinking and grieving for William.

So really, I think it will probably take me a good year. Past my due date, past the day we found out what had happened. Or at least close to that. Maybe Christmas. It has to be after Thanksgiving, because I think having another August due date would be too difficult. September or October would be great. But who knows? I may change my mind next week. Or God may have another plan in store for me too.

So in a way, I'm glad people are starting to ask. Because then I can tell them and they won't be watching for that pale, sick look, or that little pooch under my shirt, or for frequent runs to the restroom. They'll know that when it comes, it comes. And that may be a while off.

On a different note, I'm at the point where I've started sending this blog to a few of my very close friends. I'm okay now with people who actually know me knowing what I've been feeling. But I do want to say one thing to everyone who reads this blog that I've been thinking about writing for several weeks now, as a disclaimer of sorts. Don't feel like you have to feel sorry for me. That's not the purpose of this blog, to gain sympathy. Though it's been awful, and terrible, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, the only thing I would trade this experience for is having that baby in my arms. But I wouldn't trade it for anything else. I've grown like I've never grown before and learned things that have made me so much better. This blog is to help. It's to help those who are going through the same thing, it's to help those who know someone going through the same thing so they can understand, it's to help anyone who is grieving, it's to help people understand what this is like so they can see that perspective. And most importantly, in my eyes, it's to help me heal. Thank you so much to all of you who read this, whether I know you in person or not. I couldn't do this without you.

So if you are reading this, please take away some joy and understanding and the big picture of what life is all about--grieving, growing, and finding joy.