There's just this little tug at my heart that's missing that little boy I should be holding in just a few weeks. And I'm wishing I could see him and know what he looks like and sounds like and if he has my creativity and Ben's sense of humor. But I'll have to wait.
I'm deciding what to do on my due date. I think my mom and sister are going to come out, and we're going to go away for the weekend and just have fun. I think that's what I need. I'm fine thinking about it and remembering him all week, but on my actual due date, I think I need to do something fun and keep my mind off of it or I'll be a wreck.
August 8th. Will I ever forget that date?
Or February 3rd. Or January 25th.
I'm afraid I'm talking about him too much. I'm trying not to bring it up too often. But sometimes it can't be avoided. I can't just not talk about it. But I don't want people to think I'm just always complaining or always being depressing by bringing it up. And it probably just feels to me like I talk about it all the time. Because it's so much a part of me.
And I want to honor and remember, not avoid it, even though it might make other people uncomfortable. Is that rude?
For example, I just made a mother's necklace for myself.
And I couldn't just put the "E" on there for my daughter. It just didn't feel right. I needed the "W" too to be complete. But then I get questions as for what it's for, and then I feel bad bringing it up...I don't know.
If anyone's reading this, what have you done? Has anyone else felt like this too?
Miss you, Liam.
Hi Kirsten, I lost a baby after 2 years of infertility (before having Brayden). I have a bracelet that Chris, my husband got me and when I am feeling extra sad, I wear it around. It's like a comfort to me - remembering and honoring the child we lost. I don't get asked about it much, I did at first though.
ReplyDeleteOh Kirsten, I had no idea you were having so much trouble. I LOVE the idea of your necklace. Every person grieves differently and for different periods of time. You must do what you feel is best to honor your child - even if it does bring "awkward" questions. I think it is good. It helps others be aware. If you EVER need to chat or need a distraction, call me up! We can go walking or out for fun! I mean it!!!
ReplyDeleteMy due date just passed, and I was also thinking about it all the time up until the date. On the date, I just said to myself, I am a strong, confident and healthy women, and I am looking towards my future, but will never forget the past. And to my little bean, mom and dad will always love you and never forget you, and after that day it was kinda like a new beginning.
ReplyDeleteHI Kirsten. I didn't know this blog existed until today; I read the link off of one of your comments on FB. I go there often in search of pictures of little Ellie. The link intrigued me and it let me right on the blog. I really hope that it is okay that I read them.
ReplyDeleteIt is such a tender, vulnerable blog. I feel a part of your soul in your reflections of the loss of your baby, William. That is such a perfect name. I love that his initial would be there next to Ellie's on your necklace. I love being able to call him by name. This little boy is going to be loved and cherished all his life in your earthly and eternal home. May God bless you on August 8th. And Kirsten, I am so sorry for your inital and continual loss. For Ben's loss. For little Ellie's loss. My heart aches knowing that pain is a necessary part of life. I prefer the no pain plan; but alas, apparently I chose differently. Dang.
Lovingly,
Brenae