Joyful Sorrow

I never thought I would be relying on this blog again.  I thought it was done, a closed chapter of my life that served its beautiful purpose and would live as a monument to something I suffered through, conquered, and came to deeply love and appreciate as a life-changing and self-bettering experience.

But now, this blog is again open.  This part of my life is again brought to the surface. And I am again tearing open these pages to pour out my soul and find healing and peace.

This week, we lost another baby.  I went in for a routine 10-week appointment to find no heartbeat.  That little body that should have measured 10 weeks, 3 days was only a small 10 weeks, and that little heart that had fluttered so hopefully in my previous two ultrasounds was still.

I had had a feeling going into that appointment.  Actually, from the day I took that pregnancy test in mid-November I had a feeling that something was wrong, that there was something to dread in the coming months. I dismissed it as baggage associated with past experience, just fear that something COULD go wrong, fear of getting attached in case something did.  But now, I think it was God preparing me, helping me know that I needed to brace myself, needed to strengthen myself, needed to know that while sorrow was coming, He was there to help.

Despite that feeling, in the past three months, I have grown to adore and cherish that little soul, that my heart has told me all along is another beautiful girl, living inside me and becoming part of our family.  Ada.  Ada Mae.  It means noble and happy.  And like our little William, Ada is now a forever part of our family.  She was alive.  She was moving.  She was a person.  And she always will be.

When we lost William, I got on my knees and begged God to never make me go through that experience again.  And while we are here in this same situation, that prayer has been answered.  There is an immense feeling of peace in our family.  I felt that peace the moment I left that doctor's office.  We are strong.  We have been through this before.  And we have come out of it.  And we are all better because of it.

I am devestated.  I am grieving.  I am full of sorrow.  But it is the most joyful sorrow I have ever known.  Because of what we know from grieving William and because of the lessons we have learned and because of the perspective we gained from that experience, we know trials and tests and sorrow can be filled with joy.  They happen for beautiful reasons that we may not understand, but we will.  They can bring us joy in our future.  They can give us compassion and empathy and the ability to help others in ways we otherwise could not.  They can fill our souls with a kind of divine love and peace and strength and perspective that comes in NO OTHER WAY.

I know Ada is with God.  I know she is strong, and beautiful, and noble, and happy.  And while I am so sad I won't get to raise her now, I know I will see her again.  She is my daughter.  Forever.

Ada was due August 3rd, just 5 days before William.  That first week of August this year will be one of the most deeply profound and joyful weeks of our lives.  Because we will be able to celebrate two lives that have grown our hearts and changed us forever.

We love you, little ones.  We love you.